Day 3

Something you need to forgive yourself for

Well this one may be a little much for me to put out in blog world, but I do have one that I feel comfortable posting.

In April of 2007, I got a phone call to take a 2 1/2 year old girl named Jeanette. They told me she was hard of hearing. I had Drew and Alex at the time, but I thought she would fit in with them just fine. The minute she walked in the door the social worker who dropped her off said "She seems autistic to me". Great. And sure enough she was here for less than 5 minutes before she started catagorizing toys, and jumping up and down flapping her hands for food. We soon realized she would not let Shawn anywhere near her, but she was perfectly okay with me. At the time I was working part-time at Clinique, and the next day when I had to work she wouldn't even come near enough to Shawn to eat or have her diaper changed. She didn't communicate at all and she would only fall asleep if I held her or if she was next to me in bed. For whatever reason, I felt like she trusted me. But I had Drew and Alex to think about as well as my husband. He couldn't watch her, and I was at a loss of what to do. I knew we couldn't be the best place for her and that she really needed to be diagnosed in order to be helped. So I called the social workers and asked for her to be removed.

And I felt like I had betrayed her.

I felt like I was abandoning her just like everyone else had done. It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I cried more about her than I did even when Drew and Alex left. She's the only placement I had that I didn't give my every effort to. I wonder about her all the time. I wonder where she ended up, if she was ever diagnosed...and to this day I have tears in my eyes thinking about her. I still haven't forgiven myself for not helping her. I could have quit Clinique, I ended up quitting because of Caleb anyways. I could have taken her to the doctors and gotten her diagnosed so she could get the help she needed. But I didn't. And I struggle with that alot. It was selfish and it was taking the easy way out. It's probably why every time Shawn and my mom told me that I should think about giving up Caleb I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it twice.

So there you have it. Probably alot more than you were asking for in what is usually a light-hearted blog. But I said I'd answer these, so I am!